About a week ago, I decided that it was time to leave a certain crush on a certain someone behind. Having already started to move on, I still felt there was a teeny tiny part of it still there – popping into my head unannounced every now and again. Upon doing some much needed soul searching, I came to the conclusion that it was probably my fear of him ‘never knowing’ how I feel that was ‘latching onto me’ – like a starving baby to a nipple! And so I decided it was time to do the very thing that had terrified me for quite a while – I decided to tell him!
I’ve always preferred writing to talking and, if I need to tell someone something important, I’d rather write a text or an email than see them face-to-face for the following reasons:
- A) I get nervous and my voice goes all wobbly (and then of course there’s that added fear of bursting into tears – YES! I’m an emotional person!)
- B) When having a face-to-face conversation, it doesn’t matter if you have a whole, perfect speech written in your head, because the person you’re talking to could interrupt you at any moment and your prepared speech will be gone with the wind.
- C) The honest to god truth is that I always tend to think of the right thing to say AFTER the actual conversation.
So, long story short, I sent him a text (not the classiest and most mature way of doing it but hey ho) pouring my heart out! And let me tell you something – it wasn’t so bad! Well…I suppose it was. In a way it was absolutely nerve-wracking, but it was also quite liberating. And I waited a whole day to actually read his reply because I wanted to make sure I had (properly) talked myself into believing that, no matter what his reply was, I would be OK.
Do I wish I’d told him sooner? – Of course! But the thing is I WASN’T READY! Maybe things would’ve played out differently if I had, maybe they wouldn’t. Bottom line is, the past is gone now and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I’m proud I finally grew the balls to do it and I’m convinced it was the right thing to do. Scary as it was, telling him was the ‘final push’ to get over ‘the hump’. He knows now and what he chooses to do with the information is up to him. As for me, it’s only up from here!
I’d be lying if I said I was 100% fine. As always, in some moments I am, in others I’m not – it’s like when you’re getting over anything really. But at least I’m not panicking over him not knowing anymore.
In a way I really do feel like a weight’s been lifted – theres a ‘lightness’ that allows me to keep my head up high, look to the future and start planing. I’ve got a life to live and the rest of my life (one of honesty, peace, love and happiness) starts now!