Monday Observations From A Park Bench

Earlier this evening some seriously awkward observations – obviously involving a certain young woman – are said to have taken place in a local park. We have been given consent to share the young woman’s account of the observations below:

So… Heading off to the park after work – as you do, when it’s like a billion-zillion degrees outside and you can’t be bothered to elbow your way to the beach when every step you take is causing you to melt away as it is – reluctantly rocking some jeans shorts (Daisy Duke-style) – wobbly thighs and all – and a tanktop, crisps and a soft drink in hand (or should I say ‘in bag’), I thought I would finally be ‘safe’ when I planted my bum on a bench in the sun. Being hungry as a starved rhinoceros so I proceeded to stuff my face with crisps. I was about halfway into my ‘meal’ when I looked up and found myself face to face… With a skinny-minnie girl jogging along right past me. We were both sweating links sinners in church for totally different reasons but, from the look on her face, it was clear we were thinking the same thing: ‘What kind of a sick joke is this’.

However, before I had time to decide whether to feel disgusted or just not give a s***, my attention jumped to the hunk running by in the opposite direction…. For the second time! Oh… And a third time…. And a fourth…” *Here the account trails off into something resembling incoherent gibberish*

UPDATE: For those concerned about the young woman’s mental state, we are now able to report that she has been found in her home, recovering with a glass of vino.


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