In the latest news from suburbia this fine Saturday evening, we are able to report that a young woman has been accused of ‘attempted murder’.
The accuser and self proclaimed ‘victim’ of the attempt – the young woman’s phone – made the following comment right after the incident: “I swear she did it on purpose! She knows she can get an upgraded ANY day now… I don’t think she ‘dropped me’ into that cup of tea by accident!”
Although witnesses claim the cup was practically empty, reports still suggest that the incident appears to have aroused fear in all the young woman’s belongings. One of the chief investigators looking into the cases made the following statement “We are currently trying to locate a certain hot water bottle who has been reported living at the address. We believe it is a key witness in our enquiries. It does, however, appear to have gone underground after the incident.”
Meanwhile, the young woman is said to currently be ‘kept in check’ by an episode of The Walking Dead while investigations continue into what really happened earlier this evening.